What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
