made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He better not be in your backpack
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
