This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
