Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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