I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
