im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
