i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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