everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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