Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
