i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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