i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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