I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
