Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize