i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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