if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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