ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
