Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
