Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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