are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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