Swine flu is the new snow day.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
