I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize