Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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