And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
