I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
