I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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