Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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