I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We need a shit load of segways right now
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
