I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
