i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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