Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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