then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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