Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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