How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
