I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
