i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
