using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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