Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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