i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Randomize
