I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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