if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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