I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
