hotel room ftw
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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