Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
So. Much. Porn.
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