your thong is hanging out like whoa
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Randomize
