Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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