...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
