woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Randomize
