Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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