No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
