You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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