You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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