Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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