uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize