A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
