i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
