your thong is hanging out like whoa
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize