Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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