i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
